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Information Babies Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!"
Information Babies Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" | Five Reasons to Stop Saying "Good Job!" |
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| Written by Alfie Kohn © 2001 | |||||||
| Sunday, 29 April 2007 | |||||||
Page 5 of 5 * Say nothing. Some people insist a helpful act must be "reinforced" because, secretly or unconsciously, they believe it was a fluke. If children are basically evil, then they have to be given an artificial reason for being nice (namely, to get a verbal reward). But if that cynicism is unfounded – and a lot of research suggests that it is – then praise may not be necessary. * Say what you saw. A simple, evaluation-free statement ("You put your shoes on by yourself" or even just "You did it") tells your child that you noticed. It also lets her take pride in what she did. In other cases, a more elaborate description may make sense. If your child draws a picture, you might provide feedback – not judgment – about what you noticed: "This mountain is huge!" "Boy, you sure used a lot of purple today!" If a child does something caring or generous, you might gently draw his attention to the effect of his action on the other person: "Look at Abigail’s face! She seems pretty happy now that you gave her some of your snack." This is completely different from praise, where the emphasis is on how you feel about her sharing * Talk less, ask more. Even better than descriptions are questions. Why tell him what part of his drawing impressed you when you can ask him what he likes best about it? Asking "What was the hardest part to draw?" or "How did you figure out how to make the feet the right size?" is likely to nourish his interest in drawing. Saying "Good job!", as we’ve seen, may have exactly the opposite effect. This doesn’t mean that all compliments, all thank-you’s, all expressions of delight are harmful. We need to consider our motives for what we say (a genuine expression of enthusiasm is better than a desire to manipulate the child’s future behavior) as well as the actual effects of doing so. Are our reactions helping the child to feel a sense of control over her life -- or to constantly look to us for approval? Are they helping her to become more excited about what she’s doing in its own right – or turning it into something she just wants to get through in order to receive a pat on the head It’s not a matter of memorizing a new script, but of keeping in mind our long-term goals for our children and watching for the effects of what we say. The bad news is that the use of positive reinforcement really isn’t so positive. The good news is that you don’t have to evaluate in order to encourage. Copyright © 2001 by Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards and Unconditional Parenting. An abridged version of this article was published in Parents magazine in May 2000 with the title "Hooked on Praise." This article may be downloaded, reproduced, and distributed without permission as long as each copy includes this notice. Permission must be obtained in order to reprint this article in a published work or in order to offer it for sale in any form. Please write to the address indicated on the Contact page at www.alfiekohn.org. Comments (1)
  written by Name withheld, kids 2 & 4, May 04, 2007
I totally disagree with the author. It's so called "experts" thinking too much about a concept that is a normal part of human behaviour and once again suceeding in making parents esp. mothers feel bad about a normal and natural human behaviour. When we are happy with people be it friends or colleagues we acknowledge it by saying "good job" etc. When we arent happy with a behaviour to adults we make it clear either by our behaviour or by our reactions. Same goes for kids.People gauge what they do from how it affects those around them.That's how we learn. In time as we grow into adulthood we internalise this praise. We know when we've done good and don't have to hear it from other people. It is an interesting article if only to provoke debate!
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